Throughout the conceptualization and development of this network, three Cs have repeatedly come to mind as more evolved attributes by which to measure a standard of "manliness" rather than traits that have come to be seen as aggression, dominance, and lacking emotional intelligence. These Cs are Consciousness, Confidence, and Competence. I do not claim to be an expert on healthy masculinity, nor a guru in achieving it, though I do have experience, professional and personal. I've seen time and time again, through personal experience, work with my clients, and general observations, that these Cs are valuable, desired, and often missing; the absence of one or all of them has led to reactions and behaviors we have come to call toxic- or hyper-masculinity. Misguided or ill-intended attempts to prove one's manliness can be seen as lacking consciousness, confidence, and/or competence. Perhaps, a fourth C would be communication. That topic can be addressed in a later publication.
Consciousness
Like many people, I've been on my journey toward better understanding myself in this world, and how I impact it, since I was a child. By paying attention to who I am and how I am in my environment, I'm more aware and intentional in presenting my authentic self - more confident in my identity, and empowered to navigate my life competently and on purpose. I've noticed that I do not need to prove my masculinity to women, nor do I need to prove my masculinity to other men in the presence of women as a show of strength. It's worth noting that my awareness of this idea does not inherently stop it from happening, which is one motivation behind starting MANLÄ’. Becoming aware is the first step. What we do with and in this awareness is the journey, and takes practice.
Our social construct has evolved past the "alpha" mentality, therefore, we as individuals also need to grow toward evolving past excessive show of strength or dominance, in order to secure our place in society. Younger generations are showing far more interest in competence, refined skill, and acceptance than sheer displays of power. Yes, wars still exist, mass murder, rape, and abuse of political and state power continue to pollute this world. Pause for just a moment to consider the biological sex of most historical and present people who fit this power-focused bill. Most of them are men. Many who aren't men, are operating within male-dominated or hypermasculine constructs. Much of the need to present, perform, or take power is rooted in the fear of losing it, thereby becoming submissive. How powerful and strong, or even confident, is someone who operates largely out of fear that he or she will lose? Confidence implies that one believes in self, trusts that their role and/or purpose is relevant, and accepts when it is time to step aside to allow for more qualified leaders to rise to the occasion. Each generation has experienced a change of the old guard. This space of competence, skill, and acceptance, being explored by young people is where confidence comes into play.
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Confidence
When I am authentically me, and conduct myself in an intentional manner, the feedback I receive will likely also be more representative of how people perceive me. People validate or invalidate the ways I present. If I am exhibiting my true self, to the best of my ability, then I'm more likely to know how others think and feel around me and toward me. We've all heard, and likely said at some point in our lives, "I don't care what other people think." Though there is likely some truth to that claim, I'm going out on a limb to argue, 'Sure you do.' You may not dwell on, nor take personally how others think and feel about you. That's actually quite healthy. However, we are connected beings. Humans have thrived in social groups and inter-connection since our known existence. To be exiled from the tribe was to be committed to death in isolation, or a need to find a new tribe. It was important to find our way in the existence of other people when we were sleeping outside with feral animals, and it remains relevant today. Even people who reject conformity or majority constructs, find validation in some reactions they receive, thereby, affected by the thoughts or feelings of others. The more I practice being me in the best and most authentic way I can, they more confident I become, the more authentic my connections, and the more meaningful and purposeful my life becomes. I'm also, then, relieved of the burden of maintaining any acts or fear of not being enough for people who only like what I've portrayed, in an attempt to be liked or respected by them. I learn that the connection and validation is real, and I'm better equipped to take feedback as information not rejection of my identity.
​Competence
Letting go of perfectionism, fear or being inadequate, and the need to either measure up to or reject a construct of what every man should be in order to be considered a man, makes room for a truly rich experience. There is still room for, and honestly, a need for traditional masculine traits, such as accountability, strength, ambition to provide for those depending on us, responsibility, and loyalty. What's missing is honesty about what we can and cannot do, confidence that we will not lose our membership card to the men's club if our biology, environment, etc. inhibit our ability to be something specific, and acceptance of diversity among men, such that we may encourage and inspire, rather than dominate or oppress. If a teenager appears effeminate or "weak" to you, are you inclined to point out your perception of him? Does his presentation somehow threaten your association as a man or your identity, in some way? Are you concerned he may prevent you from getting a need met? Are you afraid that you may have something in common with him, which could mean you are in fact weak or effeminate through the definition of your lens? These questions are intended to probe curiosity, not shame. If we can practice being curious about our reactions to others, perhaps, we can learn to interact in a more purposeful and meaningful way. Perhaps, we better understand why masculinity is so strongly associated with anger, aggression, and avoidance in the eyes of those who judge us. Perhaps, we create a new experience by changing the ways we perceive ourselves, the ways we interact with others, and the expectations we hold for others. Our intention, then, becomes focused on how we operate and our impact, rather than proving to, or forcing, others to see us in a particular way.